When nature calls

Disclaimer: Readers or a gentle or sensitive disposition should take note that today's entry contains paragraphs of a graphically worded nature with topics and themes unsuitable for dinner table discussion. While none of the below content is particularly shocking, it is almost guaranteed to contain toilet humor. Read on at your peril!

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After making a conscious effort to memorize both the Japanese name and Kanji symbol for 'toilet' (in case of an emergency) I was a little disappointed to find that most sign posts point not to the 'TeArai' (The original Japanese word, lit: HandWash) but to the Toire or toilet. Japanese absorbs so many foreign words each year that I often wonder why I bother learning the langauge. If things continue at this rate, by 2050 Japanese will just be English with a different grammar structure.

Still, while Japanese 'Toires' may bear the same name, they are not completely similar to their western cousins. This has both positive and negative aspects. The main negatives are Japan's 'traditional' style toilets which can be found in most public lavatories and are almost as ghastly as those in French service stations. 'The Squatters', as I've taken to calling them, are basically just rectangular basins in the floor. You roll down your trousers, put one foot either side of the hole and let nature take it's coarse. They're not pleasant to look at and there's always the danger of overbalancing but at least they're simple, unlike the 'western style' facilities.

For Japan's 'western toilets' can get so complex that they require a whole instruction manual before use. When you sit down on one of these futuristic contraptions the first thing you notice is the heated seat. I can see that in many situations this would be beneficial but I was a bit put off by that 'recently used' feeling. Depending on which model you're sitting on you may be also be lucky enough to run into one of the following features.

The 'Extreme Deodorizer'- The extreme deodorizer somehow manages to get rid of smells without making a scent of it's own. Press the button and the smell just vanishes. I don't know what voodoo this is but I want one for my shoes!

Sound Effect- For reasons utterly and completely beyond my comprehension, some Japanese toilets are fitted with a 'flushing sound' button. Press the button and the toilet will make a loud flushing noise, just like the real thing. The purpose of this continues to vex me. Why on earth would you want people to think you were flushing it if you weren't? And, on the rare baffling occasion that you did want people to think you'd flushed, why not actually flush it?

Automatic Flush- Instead of having to pull a dirty handle, toilets often have an infa-red sensor that autoflushes when you stand. Adding this to your setup seems quite a bit more trouble than it's worth but is a nice addition none the less.

'The Nozzle'- It took a lot of bravery to try this one out. If your not the toilet roll type, press the bidet button on the control panel and a jet of water will do the job for you. The water pressure can be adjusted from 'just a squirt' all the way up too 'colonic irrigation' and 'tear me a new one'. There are two squirt modes: Unisex and Ladies only, which make learning the correct Kanji especially important. I'd recommend trying 'the nozzle' once for the experience and never again.

I don't know if these strange devices are overly complex and unnecessary or, to use a colloquialism, 'the shit'. Whatever your opinion, there's no arguing with the popularity of Nihon's automated dunnies. Even now, new loo technologies continue to be developed and I for one look forward to the next great innovation... whatever it maybe.